For you see, each day I love you more

Happy...

2009-01-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

I feel much better now. Sorry for the prior rant everyone, but sometimes it helps.

Shari

Ugh.

2009-01-12T19:43:00.003-06:00

I'm so...bleh right now.

I feel like sometimes in my life people just take advantage of me. I'll do everything and I'm fine on my own so why not let me do it? Seems like it's just easier for everyone that way and sometimes I feel like saying fuck it and shutting down. But I can't do that. I'm not allowed to do that because I feel this overwhelming responsibility to take care of everyone else. I feel so sad right now I just want someone to hold me and be there for me and I feel like right now that's impossible. No one asks me what I think about pretty much anything, and even if they did I feel like most of the time what I say doesn't matter. I just feel so upset lately. Is company so much to ask? I just feel so damn alone and I just want to fucking scream. I'm so mad about so many things right now, and it doesn't matter. It's not like anyone is going to help me, or make it better. Or for that matter even understand what's upsetting me. I'm fucking stuck dealing with on my own even though that's not what I want. I've been dealing with everything on my own since I was so young all I want to do is just take a break. I want someone to focus on me for once, but for fucks sake it would bother me. It's been so scarce in my life it's like if someone did focus on me I would feel so god damn guilty about it I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I guess most of all I just feel under appreciated. Even when I talk no one listens but I have to listen to everyone else. So once again I'll put a smile on my face, and even though I'm so upset inside I'll just swallow it and move on. And no one will be the fucking wiser.

bleh

Wrapped in the warmth of you, Loving every breath of you, Still my heart this moment or it might burst.

2009-01-10T23:11:00.003-06:00

If I should die this very moment,
I wouldn't fear,
For I've never known completeness like being here,
Wrapped in the warmth of you,
Loving every breath of you,
Still my heart this moment or it might burst,

Could we stay right here,
Till the end of time till the world stops turning,
Wanna love you till the seas run dry,

I've found the one, I've waited for.

I was watching Moulin Rouge today, The song in this post is called Gorecki by Lamb, what's funny about all this, is Daniel's favorite song of all time is in Moulin Rouge It's called Bolero and it's arranged by Steven Sharples, I decided to listen to both songs and I feel like both of them hold deep meaning in my life. The first decribes my current feelings and the second...it's like a representation of how my life has gone.

Fast, slow, gentle, feirce, painful, difficult, with an explosive pay off and subtle exit.

I don't know I thought it was interesting that in that one movie that we both really like we happen to have our favorite song held within...I think it says something for kindred spirits, which is what I believe we are. Anyway enough gushing,

Shari

We look good side by side, walking back to the hotel.

2009-01-08T18:31:00.007-06:00

So I'm back, again. Sometime I'll get back to this full time, hopefully that time is now. Daniel and I are very happy with each other, I think now more than ever, at least, that's how I feel. We've had some severe ups and downs in the past year but that is one thing that has never changed. Even now he's laying on the couch with our dog Jake and I swear he could not be more adorable if he tried. We have a new dog now, our birds and fish have since passed away, no idea why but that happens I guess. Jake the Jack Russell Terrier is over a year old now, and Riley our new dog is a few months old. 4 or 5 I think.

Jake

Riley

That's our doggies. Jake is a daddies dog, Riley is a momma's dog hardcore. They're both great.

Things are going well right now, we've started a company and do business for ourselves, which is interesting but it works. Being our own boss is neat. Well it's almost 7 pm I think it's probably time for my slacker hubby to wake up, look forward to the next episode soon.

Shari

Finally going to do it.

2008-05-30T05:03:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while and I don't blog on here much any more. I've been so busy and things in my life have been so ridiculously hectic that I've not really had much time or gumption to blog. On May 12th Daniel asked me something that no one else in my life has asked me, He asked me to Marry him. We haven't set a definite date yet, but we know it'll probably be somewhere around May next year. I'm so happy and I can't wait for it to happen. Things have been going okay. Oliver has been coming over more and more which is great since...I suppose I'm going to have a step son! lol. We're going to take him somewhere sometime soon, possibly the zoo or science city. Anyway, that's my update for now.

Shari

I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

2008-03-18T02:58:00.002-05:00

Sorta a blog post, more of a letter to my boyfriend.

We've been together for almost a year, and every day I see more and more of a future with you. The simple sight of your face just makes my heart swell with joy and I can't stand the thought of not having you around. I can't imagine life without you right now and I fall more and more in love with you with every passing second. You really do make my life the best it's ever been and I wish that there was a way I could show that to you. We've had it rough, we've been through the bad and now the good is on it's way. We are so close I can almost grab on to it. You are such a great man and I watch you grow into a better one all the time. I wish there was a way I could switch places with you and let you see what I see of you. I've said I love you to a few people in my life but I don't think I've meant it near as much as I do right now. Some days just can't be replaced or remade and I think that a lot of our days right now are like that. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can't help but smile at your sleeping face. I hope that you are as happy as I am and for some reason I felt like saying it.

Shari

'Cause I Love You More Than I Could Ever Promise, And You Take Me The Way I Am.

2008-02-14T18:02:00.002-06:00

This morning you said Happy Valentine's Day. You told me to come down stairs. Sure it was 5:30 in the morning so I was a little tired but I went along with it. I came down stairs in my recently bought PJ'S and was greeted with a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice. I feel like you love me so much sometimes. I know we don't have money right now, and you wish you could get me something, I want to get you something too. Your american greeting e card was enough to make me smile.

Recently you did something that made me feel even more special than all that. You sent me an email one day saying simply "When I heard this I thought of you." and attached a song.

Ingrid Michealson - The Way I Am

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

I think that meant more to me than a lot of things people have done for me in the past. You made me feel so very special and you continue to do so, I love you so much for that.

So on this Valentine's Day my wish is for you to be happy. I know I'm happy with you and I hope to stay here a good long time.

Shari

Sit down, Come Round, I need you now, We'll work it all out together...

2008-02-10T18:39:00.000-06:00

So my last post was quiet a bit sad, full of frustrations and problems I didn't know how to handle. Some of those things still prevalent, less of them really in my front sights. I started working. Here in a few weeks I will graduate training and become a full fledged Corrections Officer. I'll be working in one of the scariest places I think I've ever heard of and in all honesty? I don't think I could be any happier right now. I love it so far, am I scared? Absolutely, it's a scary thing. I'm more concerned about the fact that others rely on me to possibly save their lives. If something I do wrong causes me to get hurt or die at least it was my fault. Where as if I were to cause someone else's demise I don't know if I would be able to forgive myself. At any rate, Enough of that scary things. Things are going okay here, I'm nervous about getting all the bills payed and getting everything up to date but I think I'll be able to pull it off. In the mean time I'm really just trying to relax and do the best I can to focus on taking care of work.

I haven't posted for crap lately and that is because I've been sicker than a dog. I'm finally almost over it. Little bit of hearing problems and some mucus here and there, still snoring a little according to BF but that should pass. I got bad enough to the point where I felt almost like I couldn't breathe from how swollen my tonsils were and how blocked up my chest was, plus I couldn't breathe out of my nose. So I went to the Hospital after work on Monday, they gave me some prednasone, some tyolenal (I have no idea how to spell that...how sad) 3 with codeine in liquid form, and the kicker, a shot in the butt of penicillin. If you've never had the joy of experiencing this lovely shot, it's about the consistency of peanut butter and it bruises, and makes it hurt to sit....Still hurts now. Hopefully that will pass soon. That all together paired with making sure to get some rest, and resting some this weekend has helped me get better.

Unfortunately I had my firearms training and went through the pepper spray and CS Gas at work already and that did not help my sickness cause. My ear protection wasn't on one ear right and it's been hinky since then, getting better in stages though. And well, walking into a shack full of pepper balls that have just been shot into the air as well as putting pepper spray under my eye, then being forced to walk through the same shack full of CS gas was interesting to say the least and certainly didn't make the sick Shari feel better.

Yeah things are looking up around here, I feel really drained from going back to work because I'm simply not used to it, and it's hard for me to get motivation to do a whole lot out side of work. I have made dinner all weekend though and I did pretty well, my meals have tasted great. Anyway, I'm alive, if anyone is still reading, and I'm going to start updating regularly again.

Shari

And The Shadow Of The Day, Will Embrace The World In Grey...

2008-01-24T21:15:00.000-06:00

That's how I feel right now. I feel like my world is grey and I wish so much that I knew exactly what to do to make it right.

There are so many things right now that I just can't help. I feel like I'm wrapped up in a tree branch struggling to move and no matter how hard I writhe it's got me. I'm fucked and I hate it.

I've only felt this bad a few times in my life, but I literally feel so bad that I am having trouble not crying. Ever since I got up, which was at almost 7 pm I just, all I want to do is cry. I don't know what I'm supposed to be or do and I hate feeling like that. Right now I feel numb to anything that could possibly be said to me right now. I feel like nothing will make it right.

I sat in the shower today for so long.....I got in there and I just couldn't even muster enough to stand....I layed down on the floor in the shower and just cried....I don't know what it is about being in the shower that makes me feel okay about just crying myself silly. Maybe it's because I can't break down in life so I break down in a place where no one will know....I can explain it away with the shower water. Some how I felt safe though...There in my pathetic position on the shower floor...Like nothing could get to me and the only thing I needed to do was just cry. That was all I needed to do was just cry....I don't know...I hope things will get better but for right now I just don't even know what to do I feel like it would just be better if I could sleep for the next few days....Or for longer.

I don't know what to be right now but all I know is this has to clear because I won't make it...

Shari

Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven.

2008-01-11T20:33:00.000-06:00

So Wednesday was it, the big day. The First Meeting... For those of you who don't know, , My boyfriend has a son from his marriage. We have been together for about eight and a half months. In this time we've tried to get to where he can see his son. It's been a rought road and we haven't gotten anywhere, we have a rough financial situation and he owes some back child support, because of that she doesn't like to let him see his son. Well Wednesday it finally happened.

We got him a bunch of toys for Christmas, and Monday we were supposed to go to my boyfriends Grandmothers for opening, his family pushed that off and we were getting frustrated so I metioned the idea of having her to the house, I didn't think it was a big deal. He gave her a call Wednesday because the family postponed again and she said that's fine. So like a mad woman I dash around trying to clean up and get things ready.

Fast forward a bit the Three of them show up, She has just had a baby four months ago by her new boyfriend, then her and her son. We get through the formalities okay and get to the presents, and the pictures, They spent most the time talking and I got to play with his son almost the whole time. At one point he sat in my lap and held my hand. I fixed his toy plane for him, He broke the door off and walked up to me with the parts and with the cutest face in the world said "Can you fix it?" It was awesome.

I don't think I've ever so quickly become or so deeply been attached to a child. Is that normal? I almost wish he could have stayed the night already lol. I had so much fun with him. He's the closest thing I've been around as far as possibly being family. It was really great and we are seeing them again on Wednesday this week. I hope that this is the start of a new trend, she's been really nice and it seems like we are going to have better chances to see him and we are doing what we can to get the child support caught up. Anyway, that's my story, feel free to comment...

Shari

Spin Me Round Again And Rub My eyes, This Can't Be Happening,...

2008-01-07T15:16:00.000-06:00

"Oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life"

Why as a race do we continually let people down and hurt them? Why is it such human nature to just fuck with others? Is there some code inside all of us that when upset we automatically have to screw that person over forever more?

I dunno today so far has not been a very good day and it's shaping up to get worse. I'm trying my best to get through it and keep a bright smile on my face but I can't help the something inside me that just wants to scream. I want so bad just to make this better and make it happen. There is just a lot in my mind right now and if praying really could make things happen then everything would be absolutely perfect right now. I don't count myself as a very "religious" person, but I do believe I am spiritual. I've prayed more in the past few months than I probably have my whole life. There's just so much to make right in our lives right now. I want to see him happy, I want him to have the happy I can't really give him. I want to be happy too. Since I live off of his happiness it's really difficult to do that. When he's sad I'm sad and today I'm really sad. I want to understand a lot of things and I want to know what it is that I can do to make some things right but really I have no control. There are just some things I can't do a damn thing about and it kills me. It really does kill me, it makes me angry and hateful somewhere inside and in another place it makes me so sad I could just cry.

I'm glad that I like music because right now it's keeping me company. I really get into it and it helps me relax, now is one of the times that I really wish that our new home had a bathtub instead of just a shower. I would love to just escape into the bathroom for a little while with my music, my thoughts, and some nice warm water to take off the chill.

It's been so cold here, It's so much different weather wise here than it is or ever was in Missouri. It's just different somehow. It'll take a few years to get used to. If I'm even here that long....I want to be I love this house, the first house I've lived in in my adult life. It's beautiful to me, even though it's a bit worn on the outside it's still my home and I love it.

I'm sure all this stuff will work it's self out and somehow it'll all make sense and I can get some peace of mind from it, and perhaps so will he. Until then back to the tense upset in this house that nither of us even tried to create.

Listening to Now - Imogen Heap - The Walk
Title Lyrics and Lyrics Under Picture From - Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
(Check her out, she's amazing)

Shari

We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves

2008-01-06T21:59:00.000-06:00

I was a cute child....The one in the front not the one with the gloworm lol That's my sister though so enjoy that.

It's interesting how much we change in life, I've gone through so many transitions in life. I've gone through so many different phases of me. Now I'm off to start a new one.

Once upon a time I was a size six. When I was 17 almost 18. Right now I'm a size 12. My last relationship ruined me. I ate bad, I was seditary and it caused me to gain a lot and I never really have been able to get it off. I started a diet two days ago, a pseudo atkin's/south beach thing, today Daniel and I went for a run and it was awesome. I want so many things to happen. I don't really want to make resolutions for the new year but there are some things I would like to accomplish.

One
I would like to get back down to at least a 6 possibly a 4 if I can but 6 at least, I'd like to be down to an 8 by Daniel's Birthday.

Two
I want to have a steady job soon that I enjoy and will stick with, this may be accomplished by working at the Prison with Daniel.

Three
I want to read one book this year, at least the book my sister gave me for Christmas.

That's it. Really all I want is to get my body back into shape and to be in good health.

See that? That was me, once upon a time. Look at that stomach! Yeesh...Those arms too. I look great.

Now look at me....What the hell happened...BLAH. I look so different! Anyway, I will be changing this. I will look more like that top photo no matter what it takes. If I have to go down the atkins road again and eat salad three times a day then I will.

Tomorrow should be a pretty scary day, if it occurs I'll post about it.

My boyfriend, for those of you who don't know, has been Married before, and he has a son. We didn't have a chance to get him Christmas presents on time so I've been wrapping presents like CRAZY this week so that we can get them to him. We got him a lot and I hope he enjoys it all.

There isn't a whole lot else going on right now. I'm feeling weird right now and I think I need to just relax for the rest of the night and then get some rest, lots to do tomorrow.

Shari

For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice

2008-01-02T20:04:00.000-06:00

Here I am again, at another year in my life. The 21st year to be exact, come up in May. Last year has brought about a lot of change in me and a lot of different behavior. Many memories, friends new and old and a new person to possibly share my life with. The year wore long on me and I'm sure it's showed. I want to use this as everyone else does to look back on this year.

Rewind, New Year 2007. I was with a crap ton of friends, drinking, carrying on, throwing snow balls, and loving life having been single for about six months at the time. Yet somehow that midnight clock tosses you into emotion you hide. The way I rang in the new year? Crying. Standing in a room full of my friends with tears rolling down my cheek as I realized for the first time in many years, Since I was a teenager in fact. That I had had no one to kiss at midnight. That was the start of, but not by far the end of the saddest moments of my year. Made better by those friends that did give me cheek kisses to make up for it. I spent the first part of that year chasing something I didn't have a chance at getting back. Lots of times of awkwardness with my Father, Trying hard to prepare for the college I was hoping to go to. February brought much more sadness with the ring in of National Singles Awareness Day, better known as Valentine's day. As well as later that month the would be Anniversary of me and my ex. March brought better times, more fun with friends, A concert for ones birthday and also one of the best concerts I've seen so far. April slight optimism that for some reason led me back to trying to date. I was about ready to get my license and I think that added to it. In April a very nice guy started to talk to me, we learned some things about each other and with that I was off to go on a date with him, which was one of the best times of my life. A short....very very short...lol bit later in May, that guy moved in to my apartment in Riverside with me. Later in May brought my birthday, happy to have someone that day, as well as another concert prior to that was a lot of fun. I remember coming home to see him having fallen asleep waiting for me to come home. God how I missed him that night. June, July, and August brought very little but more happiness with him. September brought about life, slapping us in the face, perhaps to keep us in check and let us know that things don't always come out the way you plan. We struggled through October, November, and December, through December we made plans. In those plans we will be working together, and we have a house. Soon we will have nicer things, and we'll work to pay off some of the things from his past, as well as mine. For now though we had new years, a night of cooking together, talking and laughing, looking at old pictures, and looking to our future, topped with watching the ball drop at midnight and this year. I got my new years kiss.

Shari

Oh dear....I don't think we are in Missouri anymore...

2007-12-26T09:18:00.000-06:00

I've been a bit persona non grotto for a bit hadn't I? Well We moved! That tends to take Internet away from you. It was pretty spur of the moment, but we are here now. Only one computer for a bit but I'll try to stay pretty regular. It'll be nice to spend more time in the living room instead of spending all my time in the office. From now on I think I'll make a habit not to spend so much time there. Well, we live in Leavenworth, KS now. Yup I made the leap. I'm in Kansas. Enjoy that lol. We moved into a house here and let me tell you, it is just ADORABLE. Big too, full basment, first floor dining, living, and mudroom, plus entry way, second floor two beds and a bathroom. It's really cute. It's a barn style house too so the roof is shaped that way I love it.

Anyway so that's what's going on with me. Hope all is well for everyone else, ALSO I had a WONDERFUL Christmas. Got to meet some of his family from here and I had a blast, they even got me presents, and his grandma promised she'd put me to work next year lol. I got to be lazy this time cause I'm a newb.

also almost 9 months I think, WOO

Shari

Awkward and Nervous In Boy's Jeans

2007-12-07T00:57:00.000-06:00

So I was reading one of the blogs on my blogroll. Marriage-101. She started talking about her first kiss and asked what everyone else's was like. I think I'd like to share that story here.

My first kiss was a bit sooner than most peoples. I was eleven years old. So not too terribly young I guess. lol. I was living in Cape Girardeau at the time and was going to a local small school. It was close to summer when we moved there and the school was one of those that didn't have air conditioning. I was a pretty awkward girl at that point. Still hadn't really figured anything out and was more comfortable parading as a boy even though I was clearly not. Hitting puberty at nine does that to you. I didn't own a pair of girls jeans at all. Forget about having a skirt. When we first moved out there my mom took me to get a new pair of shoes and I found a pair of lace up hiking boots. They were on sale and despite protests from my mother, I was dead set on them. Most of the time when I went to school I wore boys wide leg baggy jeans, a white tank top, a long sleeve red plaid shirt, and those hiking boots. Seriously.....I'm not kidding at all. I thought it was adorable I had a bob haircut at the time and my unusually dark hair for that time in my life framed right around my face. I really just looked like a girl in boys clothes.

Apparently even with all that, I was still a point of interest for someone.

After going to this school for a few weeks I had kind of settled in, made a few friends, started playing soccer, flag footbal, and softball. (all but the last with boys SO THERE! lol) Well, after I had finally started to feel like I fit in. Another new kid came to class. His name was Chad. He was a year older than me and because of his birthday being so late in the year he was in our class instead of one up. I started to talk to him a lot and become friends with him. Like a best friend pal kinda guy. Until one day on the playground.

We were out on the playground, on that thing, the big half circle metal contraption that's like monkey bars but not? I dunno how to describe that or what to call it. We were climbing around on it and we came to rest at the top, when we got there he asked me if I had ever heard of kissing, I told him I had but that I had never done it. Then he asked me if I wanted to try it. Before I could answer they called his name over the intercom asking him to come to the office. He said that if I wanted to try it to meet him on the playground that night (there was going to be a family picnic at the school) told me to sneek away from my family and meet him. Then he left school.

Later that night we drove up to the school for the festivities. It took hours of begging to get my mom and dad to go and take me up there but I made it happen. After a while when they started doing the usual competitions and random activities and serving food I wandered off and told my family I was going to the playground.

I started walking around the playground but didn't see Chad, all the sudden I heard "Shari?" Echoing from somewhere. Our playground had one of those concrete construction tubes. It was coming from inside, and it was Chad. I sat down inside next to him and he asked me the same question from earlier in the day, and all I could do was nod. He grabbed one of my hands and lifted my chin with the other and gave me a kiss. With tongue. It lasted all of about 5 seconds and when it was over I was full blushed and my ears felt like they were on fire. We sat there for a min giggling and then we parted ways when his mom started to call him.

The next day in school he wasn't there, I was sad but thought he might have gotten sick. After a week I asked my teacher where he was and she told me that he moved and wasn't coming back. I cried all that night and refused to tell my parents why. My best friend at the time and the boy who gave me my first kiss vanished the next day.

To this day I still remember how his voice sounded saying my name from in there. lol. Don't think my heart could ever again beat that fast.

Shortly after we moved into a house further into Cape and he was soon forgotten for the most part. But he made me feel really special, me and my awkward boy jean wearing self.

Shari

New Phone

2007-11-30T18:55:00.000-06:00

So for the first time in a year or so I'm getting a new phone. My third in 6 years. And for the first time since I was 14 it will be with someone other than T-Mobile. It's not to say I don't like T-Mobile, They are great, was just getting too expensive. So we are switching to the pay as you go. So here in a day or two straight from Texas VIA Cingular/ATT I shall have this sexy little number (My first pink one btw) The Sony Ericsson z310a

Oh yeah, Marvel in the girlyness of it all. <3

On a side note. I hate when my family trys to get me to leave who I'm with just because we hit hard times. Shit happens I'm not bailing on someone I love because life is hard and they never have either.

Shari

Whoo, that was fast.

2007-11-20T14:31:00.000-06:00

So, this year has been different from any other when it comes to the holidays. I've never really been with someone who cared about seeing their family nor have I really had a family to visit. Due to some issues we weren't going to go do anything this year for Thanksgiving. Well, my dad got engaged earlier this year, and he's living with his fiance. They just bought a house and for the first time he's all about me coming down "ZOMG SHARI COME SEE ME FAMILY BLARG" lol, like never before. So that's been interesting. Beyond that his family asked us to come down too. We were just gonna stay home...but no, my family has to be all nice and offer to get some things fixed on my car and do nice things like that. Which they never do. It sounds like a great time.

It's interesting because whenever I make plans for thanksgiving, hardcore, they never go through, but anything made last minute BRING IT ON right? lol

So it looks like we are probably going to go down to my family's tomorrow and then on Thursday we will head out to his families, then probably home. Possibly staying there, don't know yet.

Anyway I think it's funny that it worked out that way. Best laid plans huh?

Shari

Bah, Humbug

2007-11-17T10:13:00.000-06:00

Usually I'm really uber excited for Christmas, the holidays in general. Right now I'm not all that excited though. What is it about this age that makes me realize all the things I wanted to have that I don't? Thanksgiving is less than a week away, A few days in fact. I haven't had a good thanksgiving in years. I talked Daniel into getting some Cornish Game Hens and I think we are going to end up staying here for the holiday. I mean in all honesty there are very few people I want to spend this holiday with. Last year I spent it with my dad for the first time in god....Years. For a long time I had no idea where he was...Had moved on to bigger and better things I suppose. At least in his eyes. Anyway. What did we do for Thanksgiving? We spent it at golden corral, and he spent the whole time talking to a girl he was dating who lasted all of two seconds. It was kind of shitty. It was my first Thanksgiving since I was a kid that I spent it without being in a relationship and it just made it all the more disappointing. Christmas was pretty bad, we didn't even have a tree which if I can help it WILL NOT happen this year. I want a damn tree. I love Christmas and the GREATEST thing for me is decorating that tree. I haven't done it in years because we lived with Anthony's family when we had Christmas and last year was just a complete bust. This year, this year it'll be different. This time last year things were so different. I don't know how to feel sometimes about where I am. I just want so much more.

Anyway back to my original point. This season makes me remember all those things. The things I'd like to have. This season to me represents children. That's what Christmas is mostly about right? A lot of my friends are getting married, buying houses together. Talking about having their first child. Even some of the single ones are our for a wife/husband. They aren't all about the short term at this point. I was so sure by this point I'd be able to talk about when I want a baby with someone. That I would be able to plan that. You know? It's so much more difficult and it brings so much more in to the picture when your boyfriend has been married before and has a kid. It's like....It already happened for him so chances of him wanting those things are much much lower. Which in all honesty is not how I pictured it when he told me about those things. I assumed it would make him more open and prone to commitment. Maybe there is something about me or something about the way I am. Maybe I attract guys who don't really want the same things, marriage, kids, the nice house and domestication. I mean my life long goal is to work and make enough money that eventually I can become a stay at home mom. That's been my goal for a long time. I suppose I just thought I'd be a lot closer to being able to even think about those things without scaring the shit out of the guy I'm with. I make it so clear up front. I want to be married, I want children. If I don't feel like I'm going to get those things I will leave. So why is it that I'm always in that place the "I don't know how long it'll be before I want those things" place. Be it after five years, a year and a half or six months.

I suppose at least in this relationship I feel like it's a bit more possible. Signing the lease with him was such a big step. I had NO problem taking it. It was so important to me that he wanted to do that. As I've stated before I look at marriage as a lifetime commitment. While a lease is important I see it as breakable, because it is.

I guess where I'm trying to get with this whole thing is I want to have a baby. I'm jealous of all the women I know who have someone they can just shower with love and hold, care for and just be around. I want to have that I want to have a child to bond with. Something like that is a big deal for me. Now more than ever and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that I am getting older and my body is trying to say "hey, you aren't getting any younger!" I don't want to be old when my kids graduate from high school. I want to be young enough to actually be able to hang out with my kids when they get in their 30's and realize that I'm cool. lol. If I'm 60 or 70 when that happens we won't have anything in common! It's not that I want to get pregnant tomorrow. Though if I did I think I'd be THRILLED. Would it present challenges of it's own? Absolutely but I want it that bad in my life that I'd be willing to take that on. I don't know what to do with that. I mean it's not like I want to plan for that right now. But in the next probably 3-4 years I WANT a baby. That's just the way it is...and I don't know if I will get that. Which kinda saddens me.

I'm such a planner in life I don't know why that is but I feel like if I don't make a plan in my life and stick to it that everything will go haywire. Maybe I just need to feel like I can control things when in all actuality I can't.

I love Daniel and I know he loves me, that right now is the most important thing. Just because I'm behind my own schedule doesn't mean that much isn't true. It's just interesting to me that it's taken me so long to get to where I want to be you know? One day I'll have a beautiful baby to spoil and spend Christmas watching him/her open presents I've taken so much time picking out, wrapping, and carefully hiding from prying eyes until Christmas eve. I decided I want one baby too because I want to be able to focus every bit of my maternal love on him/her. I don't want to make them feel like they have to compete. Just a cute little family, in a cute little house, filled with love, the occasional fight, and a lot of happiness. What's difficult about that right ? :-P

Shari

Ahh to be rich...

2007-11-15T05:13:00.001-06:00

Now if only I had her money.....

Today, I want to hide.

2007-11-12T07:42:00.000-06:00

Strange how it becomes to easy to just slip into a blog. I highly doubt anyone has read this so far and somehow still it's second nature to me to fire right into it using it for my advantage.

Stress is easy to come by and even easier to let descend upon you like a black cloud or some kind of deadly nerve gas, suddenly and strong with horrible effects. About a month ago or so we got a puppy. I love him to death, but right now he's going through that i'm-two-months-old-so-i-have-to-chew-everything-in-sight-including-your-hands-feet-and anything-else-on-you-that-hurts-to-chew-on phase and it's rough. I knew I'd take on the burden of responsibility with him because when we got him I wasn't working and I'm still not but my boyfriend is. I will tell you though, I've never taken care of a puppy before and I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. Sometimes he makes me just want to scream. I suppose it's a sort of training in patience if I ever want kids but I've taken care of so many children, them I can handle, least they speak English. I unfortunately don't speak doganese. I wish I did at the point though.

Sometimes I get so stressed all I want to do is sit and be with my boyfriend, just to play around and be fool hearty like when you first meet a guy and I still haven't gotten the hang of getting that to happen. Short of asking, which never works. Guess I'm looking for something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense because we have been together for a while now. Six months in the scheme of things isn't a lot but in relationship time a lot progresses and a lot changes.

I also have this habit of throwing myself overboard without a life jacket in sight and hoping that the other person will jump in with me just the same. Perhaps that's my youth in me. We've been living together a few days shy of how long we've been together and my last relationship was much the same. I always end up putting myself in the greatest position to be screwed over too. Last time it was no car, this time it's no job and things in my name that would ruin me if I were left, as well as leaving behind any trace of my old life. I'm so scared sometimes. Scared that I'm the only one in the water, and that if things play the way they always have for me I'm going to be stuck there with no life jacket and no one to save me from the icy cold water about to devour me.

I saw that they were playing "Little Black Book" the other day on T.V. I remember the beginning of that movie, it happens to be one of my favorites. Brittany Murphy says "Question, How does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer, She doesn't." Maybe I'm just so scared because I've jumped down this hole before and the last time I fell to the ground, HARD. The only thing that keeps me feeling okay I think is that I feel like he is there with me sometimes, like sometimes he is in the water with me, and we're keeping each other alive, like we are each others life jackets. The times when I feel like I'm in the water alone are the times that I start to panic. Right now, I don't know what exactly is making me feel so scared or lost but I really wish that you could be the child, that you could just ask for a stupid silly moment in time with the person you are with. This is life though, and things like that are few and far between most of the time.

The thing that is so stupid about all of this is that I have been so happy recently. I think everything has just caught up to me and once again I realize I have put myself in a place where it would be so easy to just up and leave, and there would be so many things that would just be on me. That's a vulnerable state that I feel scared of, I've been burned hardcore in the past and I've been through a lot and most of the time the intentions of the people in my life aren't perfect. Even my ex now admits he did things to hurt me, just because it was easy. I made it easy to take advantage of me and to treat me badly, I made it easy to walk on me and he says it to this day. He took everything he could from me and then asked for more. He did too, I'm still friends with him but there were a lot of things he did to me that I still harbor some resentment for (I know you are reading this, and don't be scared or mad, it's nothing to worry about and I have a feeling you will know what I mean.). I gave him my life and love and he asked for more. I didn't really have anything else to give. Maybe that's a good thing too, I started from the ground up. That last time around tore my world apart and killed my personality. Coming out of that I felt like I had no soul. I guess I just fear I'll end up the same. It's not the same person, as a matter of fact he's completely different from the person I was with before, but I'm putting myself at even more risk that before. I just hope that love is strong enough to outweigh the want to hurt.

I see the way he is and I think that he's just like me. He was burned, little worse than I was, though I think if given the opportunity my ex might have succumbed to such a thing, but he didn't really have the option. Even in the face of all that he let himself be walked on. So in what I see, I see some of the same things I did in him. I really don't think he would hurt me. I trust him but in this life when you are hurt you will always keep that one eye on the door or behind your back wondering when you'll be hurt again. I love him very much, and I believe that he wouldn't do that to me. He has been there for me a lot and I've done a lot of growing up since I've been with him. He will probably read this as well and I hope he's not offended.

It's not about trust or faith or any of those things. It's about history being doomed to repeat it's self so long as you make the same mistakes. I just hope I'm not making mistakes by being so trusting, by letting myself be put out there, by leaving myself open to be hurt. That's what trust is about, letting yourself be put in a situation where it is easy to get hurt and trusting that person enough to expect they won't hurt you.

I feel somewhat better now. I've gotten a lot of things out of my system here. I'm glad I have him. I'm glad I'm loved and that I have someone so wonderful to lay with at night, to play games with and watch movies with, and on the rare occasion, at like a child with. There are a lot of people in this world who don't have that. I know I used to be one, and I'd rather be frightened one second and rescued the next than to be stranded alone with no fears. So bring on the water, no matter what happens at least I am getting wet right?

Shari

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage

2007-11-11T01:53:00.000-06:00

An interesting question was posed to me to today, this made me think. Since a fairly young age I've wanted to be married. Even as much of a tomboy as I was, and believe me I was a tomboy from hell. Riding bikes, riding horses, playing with the boys in the mud. I remember once when I was around nine years old. I dressed up in my dad's Air Force stuff (I was pretty tall by that point I was taller than my oldest sister anyway. lol.) and went out back and set up his two person tent and connected it to our larger family size tent making a sort of fort, Then I set up logs in different places around the outside for cover, used branches to try and camo the outside of the tents and used my faux vtech laptop to make it like I was on a secret mission in the middle of some foreign country getting intel on the thing (which I later forgot to bring in and it got rained on. Didn't matter I still used it anyway), it helped that we used to have an above ground pool, we had a sinkhole way bigger than me that was filled with sand i could hide in, i used to play this with another girl from down the block. Sara, she was my best friend back then. This was also the first time I tried an MRE my dad got me some from a friend of his. Peanut Butter in pouches rules all, or did back then lol. So while most girls were doing, what I can only assume are girly things, I was playing military mercenary in my back yard lol. ANYWAY, getting off track here. Back to the original point.

Despite all that when I was a kid I was determined to get married. So much so that in the 5th grade I asked a boy to marry me. I gave him a card on Valentines day telling him I loved him and that I thought we should get married. He blushed and wouldn't talk to me anymore and the other kids made fun of me. His name was Evan Park, he had blond hair and blue eyes and I used to pretend we were getting married in my room whilst walking down the aisle to "Close to you" by the carpenters because it eludes to the boy having blond hair and blue eyes and him being an angel that was sent from above. All this at that age. 5th grade lol. By the way if Evan ever finds this lol, I'm sorry I embarrassed the shit out of you in elementary school. I guess I was always dramatic like that. I mentioned this earlier today and was asked why this was. This got me to thinking. Why is that? What in me drove me to want to be married and why still is this such a part of me? I mean my parents weren't happily married, as a matter of fact they were both miserable. I never really saw a good marriage, even my grandparents were skewed. So what on earth drives me to this?

Then I thought about it. I've felt abandoned my whole life, by so many people at different times in my life. Maybe this in me comes from the fact that I don't want to feel that way again. I think I decided a long time ago that I don't want to be alone. I want to be with someone. Maybe the reason I've always wanted to be married is because I have always seen it as life long. I want someone who is going to be there for me forever. When I look at marriage I see it different than most people I think. I see an everlasting commitment to spend your life with someone. No less than that, I think now a days people see it as a temporary thing, something easily broken. It very well can be, but if you put your whole being into it I believe you can make it ever lasting. I've seen it now that I am older. I've seen what it takes to stay together and I know now more than ever before that is what I want. I don't know what I am supposed to do with that. But it's going to be some time before I want that in my current life. For now I'm happy where I am, I have a great boyfriend, and for right now that is what I want, a boyfriend. I have plenty of time for the other things. This world is in too damn big a hurry for me, I just want to live and relax, doesn't mean I'm not open to things that might come at me, just that I'm not seeking it out right now, and that's good enough I think.

Being happy in life is difficult, and even though there are troubles in mine I can say I am happier now than I have been in quite some time for sure. That in and of it's self is such an accomplishment, Daniel makes me very happy and everything else to me right now is just details, I'd let go of so many things if it means I get to stay here with him... :-) Anyway, there is my little thing for the day, I'm shooting for once a week at least, doesn't mean I can't post more!

Shari

Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes.

2007-11-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

Welcome, Welcome.

For those of you who know me, hey there, thanks for the switch. For those of you who might have found me by serendipity hello to you too, this post is more for your benefit.

Now for the intro. I'm Shari. I am currently a blogoholic, this is a newer obsession thought I've kept avid blogs previous in my life I can't seem to stop as of late. I find my self wanting to take advantage of the ability and idea of documenting my life. For that matter when it comes to the internet I think it's a good preservation. I have blogs that have been online since I was 12 lol. Anyway, to get back on track. I'm 20 years old, I live in a little town in Missouri with my boyfriend, our fish, two birds, and our puppy. We have a pretty full house. Right now I am the house girlfriend though we are looking to change that soon. I live a pretty simple life most of the time. I guess as simple as it can be in this crazy world I so often find myself caught up in. I can't really think of much else to say about me for the moment so I'll move right along.

So the reason behind making an separate and a little bit nicer blog is to get away from the all in ones. I want a blog, not a myspace, not a xanga, a real blog. I realized more and more the reason I don't post much on those is because it's getting too complicated. When did it become about all this other stuff? Xanga was my thing for the longest time and I loved it then they started adding in things and I switched to myspace because lets face it. More people use it and it's essentially the same thing at this point. It will be nice to use this for what it is, a blog, with picture access. That's all I need.

Between the old and new I hope you all enjoy my little rants and tirades, and I'll enjoy writing them out. I'd like to commit to posting at least once a week and eventually I would like to move this blog to a permanent non-branch domain. So look forward to it! lol.

Shari